I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize