Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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