Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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