I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
