why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
