I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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