I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
