Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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