God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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