mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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