What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
