I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
