Whatcha textin bout Willis?
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
