She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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