3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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