finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize
