In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
