I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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