what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
