my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize