idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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