i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
