if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize