I just saw a hot homeless man
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
