My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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