i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
We need to get me chipped asap
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
