I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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