He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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