I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
3 2 1 whiskey
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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