Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
