getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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