I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
