Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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