If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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