we made out on top of his cat.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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