It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
