I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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