I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
