I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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