Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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