Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
