:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Randomize
