i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
