2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
