how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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