Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
