tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
