at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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