dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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