4 words: hood of his car
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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