i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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