She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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