i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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