Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
