His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
