Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
why is half of my head shaved?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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