somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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