I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
