its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
